back from break

December 1, 2008

So I’m back in the dorm from my thanksgiving break. I miss being home. I just want to get these final exams over with and then head back home with no stress and no work. I want to travel somewhere and just get away from this chaotic city for a little while.

I actually thought about transferring to a different school. But what school would I go to? I don’t want to be in Rhode Island and if I go to another boston school, its just gonna be even more expensive .. so I feel stuck. Its just not fun here. My science teachers put me to sleep. The sciences are not interesting at all. My mom keeps reminding me that these subjects are going to be boring, but once I get force myself through it, the courses will be interesting.

I hope so.

The girls here can be fun. I need a boys touch on my life. I need a boys personality in my life because I’m constantly around girls and it gets a little catty. This is why almost every single weekend .. I go out to BU or Northeastern and converse with guys. I need to be around people who JUST DONT CARE.

Hmm what else is new in my life? My room mate and I basically hate each other. Well I don’t like her because she is just really immature and the first fight we had, I told her straight off that I thought she was immature and that I basically have little respect for her because .. she just only cares about herself. Whenever there are problems she cant be an adult about it and come talk to me about whats bothering her. I told her if there is something about me thats bothering her .. to just tell me and we’ll work it out. but no. shes not a “confrontational person” and yet she feels the need to attack me when it comes to text messaging. She already admits to fucking me over and i told her that I dont wanna live with someone or have a friend who “fucks me over” i mean .. who does? She ditches me. We plan to go out somewhere to get away from the simmons campus to relax and the day OF .. she tells me she doesnt wanna go. simply put, don’t make plans with me if you dont wanna do them. And then her and her little boyfriend decided to be “immature” and call me names for absolutely no reason on facebook thinking i didnt see it and i confronted her about it. so if they wanna call me names .. then they can call me names NOW because her boyfriend is no longer allowed in the room when im here and .. I’m always here. too bad. She’s just a mean person and the first fight we had .. I was okay with walking in the room and not acknowledging her presence, but my mom told me to just get along so .. I tried. Although, it was her wrong doing and her fault for causing tension between us, i was the one to approach her to be like “this is lame.”

I’m over it.

Hmm what else? I saw Twilight twice. It was such an awkward movie, but because it was so awkward .. i had to see it and laugh at it .. twice.

And thats it for now.

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party

November 5, 2008

So for Halloween I ended up going out to party with random people. I went to someone’s apartment and got my dance on. I saw Jairo there, but he decided to not say anything to me and I didn’t say anything to him. It was really weird. All the guys and his boys were into my outfit lol. Come to find out later that he was kinda jealous that all these guys were into me and I just think life is so funny because the whole night of him watching his boys flirt with me and me laughing .. he just never ever knew that, that whole night I was thinking about him, but was playing the game that he was playing as well. Both acting hard to get. He’s a player. I’m a girl who has my guard up. I try not to let my emotions show to guys I don’t know because the moment I do .. I’m vulnerable. The moment he got the idea that I was starting to feel for him, he switched up his nice role to that “playa playa” role. I can’t really describe it. Like now that he knows I’m into him, he’s going to play that game harder and act hard. I can’t explain it. I KNOW he’s not worth my time and I KNOW I can easily find someone else, but he’s just soooo attractive. He’s an attractive bad boy. Nice body, an attractive tattoo on his upper arm in spanish. But now lately, his suite mate has been talking to me and that’s weird. He always asking to hang out with me and I’m always turning him down because I just can’t do that. because FOR WHAT? For the boys to talk and be like “yeah I was with Jessica man” no. guys talk and think girls have no idea whats going on. I need to just escape that whole crew. They call themselves the damn scheme team and the only way I’m close to them is because I went to highschool with one of the guys in it. They all go to northeastern  and they get A LOT OF GIRLS. And I refuse to that “that girl” or “one of those girls.” I mean, I’m not going to lie, I like to have my fun too, I LOVE boyssss, but at the same time they need to respect me. The moment you let yourself go or easily give it up, it’s done. They hit and leave. The guy I went to highschool with, he talks to me about these girls like they are toys and once he’s done with the story he tries to kick it to me and then it ends off with me laughing at him and then walking away. This is going to sound hilarious, but he is a talented rapper. I feel like he’s on youtube somewhere, but he’s VERY talented and i love love love listening to him rap and telling some story .. although majority of his raps are about how girls easy are with him ha. Halloween he was there and all of a sudden he started to rap about me in front of EVERYONE as the girl he tried to kick it to, but denied him. too bad. And then Best, the boy that lives with Jairo, started to rap about me and kept wanting to hold my hand. BOYS ARE JUST WEIRD. They have this territorial thing. Possesive thing going on.

I just want a nice guy! I mean, I’m into guys who carry a bad boy swag, but at the same time I want him to respect me and not see me as a challenge TO BE THE GUY I DECIDE TO GET WITH. Because that’s how I see with these boys, they talk amongst each other and try to see whos gonna be the guy that I invite back to my dorm, but little do they know that I’m just not like that. And the only guy that I did ever invite to my dorm and the ONLY guy I actually spent the night with was Jairo and because of that … shit just changed.

I gotta get used to this college life.

Love is gone. It’s all about “getting laid” right now.

Oh boys.

October 26, 2008

I love boys. I had this huge debate with my best friend Caitlin because I was explaining to her that basically since the day I was born I’ve always had a crush or interest in SOMEONE because .. I don’t know .. having someone on your mind or waking up with the thought that you know there’s a guy thinking about you .. makes life more interesting. Now, I’m not trying to say that I’m not independent or that I rely on guys to make me happy or that I can’t live without a guy, I’m not saying that at all. But honestly, I like to dress cute to have that guy look at me, there’s nothing wrong with that. Is it wrong of me to say that waking up with NO crush on someone or “eyes” on someone makes life kinda dull. I don’t know, maybe I’m just .. I don’t even know. My grandma has been single for YEARS and YEARS like  before I was even born she  was single and I don’t know how she does it. Don’t you feel lonely?

Anyways, I’ve been talking to this sophomore at Northeastern and oh.my.god. He is sooooo cute. No sexy. Has such a nice body and I’m into hot spanish guys right now which is bad because I mean, I’m spanish, but I was always taught from my parents to stay away from them because majority of them are players. My own dad, who is Dominican, tells me this and I mean … he’s a player .. to this day, so I can’t disagree with him. My parents are in their 30’s so I have young parents and my mom is married and my dad .. still goes clubbing in New york city and still associates with different women. I can not keep up with his girlfriends. It came to a point where I called one of his girlfriends the wrong name. So anways, back to the boy, so he’s Dominican as well and I KNOWW he’s a player. you can just tell these things and you would think that I would get this warning signal saying no no no jess! but yeah .. because he’s a bad boy makes me go for him even more and its horrible. We’re both playing games with each other. Like I WONT be the first to text or call him because I gotta play hard to get so he does, but when I respond to him he won’t get back until a couple hours acting “busy” and UGH stupid stupid stupid games. He has SO much game and half the time he’s spitting lines to me.. I’m LAUGHING soo hard asking myself if he’s being for real. He calls me mi amor and I mean COME ON .. who calls people that? thats so lame hahaha. But I’m so physically attracted to him that I just don’t care, but sooner or later I’ll just stop everything. This whole thing is entertaining me. I just need to be careful because I feel like every guy that I have met just want sex sex and .. oh, sex. There was one guy I met who tried to kiss me then and there and I was like uhmmm no. So many guys have asked for my number and I have guy friends who go to the universities that have had sex with sooo many girls already and .. love is dead. None of these guys want a relationship. dates. nothing. They just want sex and thats it. I just think sex is more enjoyable when you actually like the person. I mean, yeah I understand the thrill of having sex with someone who means nothing to you and one night stands, I KNOW. You have no strings attached and don’t have to answer to anyone, but after a while … it just gets old.

You know what I think is really really interesting.

How a guy can go around and mess with different girls and yet he is seen as “the man”

but when girls want to do the same exact thing just to have fun .. they are called “the whores”

I don’t understand. These rules and names that society creates confuse me.

oh college.

October 26, 2008

College has been stressing me out. I have to have C+ to stay in the nursing program and I’m just afraid that’s not going to happen because class averages in both chemistry and biology have been in the 60’s. I just wish school wasn’t so damn hard, but “life is hard” right? I hate the biology and chemistry because it’s just so vague to me and I’d rather just get right into WHAT I need to do when a patient is dying and WHAT I need to do in a hospital setting. I’m sorry but I don’t think I’ll be talking about Mendel’s cross pollination with plants to a patient or Hydrogen is a nonmetal that is located on the metal side of the periodic table … ugh. Those classes put me to sleep. I don’t want to be in them, but I’m gonna have to retake these courses if I don’t get that stupid C+ and I’ve been busting my bum to do well. I’ve been meeting with the teachers and I even got myself a tutor. I need to join something that helps me relax. I would join the yoga here but I refuse to pay 75 bucks to do the crouching warrior stance. I’m a member at the YMCA so I need to just find the closest YMCA. I heard there is one near northeastern? I don’t know.

Alot has been going on in my life.

I think I’m gonna start this new topic in a new entry because I feel like I’m behind with the entries. toodles for now.

Dear mom,

September 17, 2008

I really missing my mom right now. I head back to Rhode Island tomorrow after my classes for a doctors appointment and then I’m heading back again for the weekend because she’s leaving for Egypt for 2 weeks. I’m going to feel a little lonely once she leaves, but I won’t tell her that because I don’t want her to feel sad or feel bad for leaving. I’ve been thinking about my mom lately and how when I grow up, I actually want to be a strong woman like her. I should tell her this because it’s something she deserves to hear. I know in the past, being a teenager and all, I have done selfish things. Being ungrateful at times. Wanting to spend unnecessary money on stupid, little things. Also, what really made me think about her is every time I open a chemistry or biology book and cram in information for the nursing program. My mom is a nurse and had to go through the same exact thing I’m going through. The stress of the books, the stress of the school, etc. But what makes my mom a stronger person is just the fact that she was able to do all of this as she was raising me. She had me when she was 19 and she was able to be strong enough to continue high school and college. She didn’t have any help from anyone, she had some help by my dad’s mom. Her mom was never there for her at the young age … now she is. I remember so clearly a day when my mom was studying and I would ask to lay on her lap and listen to her recite words that were toooo advance for me to understand and I would just listen to her words until’ I fell asleep. She would study and continue going to her classes and still be my mother. She will be the one and only woman that I’ll look up to. She has been there for me through it all and I should give her more credit for it. Maybe I’ll just print out this entry and send it to her, just so she knows exactly how I feel. I just have absolutely no idea what I would do without her. She has always been there for me as a mom and a best friend and I want to be there for her too. When I was going through my great depression with the boyfriend, she was the only true person who would sit or lay down with me and listen to me cry. My mom is my ultimate best friend and as much as I was showing that “mom you have no idea what I’m going through” … deep down inside I knew that she does. She has overcome so much in life and I’m just so proud of her. I wish to tell her that every day. I’m really glad to have her as a mother (and I’m not just saying this because well .. everyone basically says this) and I never ever ever ever want her to EVER think that she “should” have done more for me because she has done enough and everything for me. I love her and by me being forced to live in a dorm to continue my education made me realize so much about her. I just wish I could rewind back to when I was younger again and actually appreciate that exact moment with her and I just wish when I was younger I was able to understand what she was doing to better my life and make me happy.

Experience.

September 8, 2008

Ever since I was little, I always loved to read. To this day, I see reading as an opportunity to become someone else. To escape my life and enter someone else’s for a brief moment. This past summer I read 8 books … and I have to say it was the most reading I have ever done over a summer. BUT then again the only reason why I read so many books was because a long relationship I was in abruptly ended and it was either 1. be depressed the whole summer and decay on my bed or 2. to do something and reading seemed to be the answer! .. but that’s besides the point. The books that I read were: Lucky Child, Go ask Alice, The other Boleyn girl, The Boleyn Inheritance, Twilight, New moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn (I love books by Stephanie Meyer if you haven’t noticed!) I made sure I didn’t read any books about love, romance, blah blah. I stuck to books that were about the Cambodian Genocide, a girl addicted to drugs, King Henry and his 5 wives (I think. I know he killed two of them..) and the twilight series had a tint of love, but mostly it was about vampires and YEAH … werewolves. The books were pretty diverse as far as topics and genres. Anyways! Continuing with my experience. So I love to read! I used to be scared of writing because during my freshman year in high school, I was always crying because my teachers were really tough graders, but through all of the crying and complaining that “I can’t write!” “this sucks”, I sucked it up and by my senior year I was placed in AP English, so basically all the hard work somewhat paid off. Being accepted to the AP course was a huge success for me and will be something that I will be proud of until’ I’m an old woman in a nursing home.

Jessica